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| So I came up with a new Xanga...it's not the one I wanted because the other one was taken a million times over, but uh, yeah...new Xanga...
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| I was going to make a new Xanga tonight, but the name I had thought up was impossible to make work. I tried a million different variations and couldn't find one that wasn't taken...pisses me off. I guess I'll just keep posting on this one I've had since my sophomore year in high school that doesn't really apply to how I feel about life at all anymore. Maybe something crazy will happen and I'll actually come up with something creative to name my new Xanga...I doubt it.
But whatever...here's the real post...
I got up around 1:00 today. I'm off for the next 5 days because my job sucks and they cut my already shitty hours, so whatever. I woke up late...didn't feel like a piece of shit for it today like I usually do. Anyway, I made something to eat, and when I finished my mom and my sister had sat down at the table. We were talking, and my mom randomly brings up that she'd like us to go into a therapy session with her. I started joking around saying that she was going to just bitch about me and my sister and we'd end up being the focus....she laughed. Somehow it escalated to my mom talking about her feelings about why her and my dad broke up and how it's affected us all. I think it's because my dad's third wedding is on Friday, and Katie and I have to be in it.
Now let me tell you about that whole ordeal...
I can't stand my dad's fiance...or the fact that he's getting married again in the first place, really. It just comes off as this ridiculously cheesy, ridiculous union. It's so ridiculous...that's how my dad's side of the family is...they're just a bunch of superficial human beings, which is laughable considering the half-ass Italian/family pride they preach at family reunions. They've always cut us off from family functions to a certain degree, even when my parents were still together. It's just obvious that we're the outcasts of the whole family...at least partly because my sister and I are "weird" to them. All of my uncles have been through a divorce. The difference is that they've cut off my mom and my aunt Ruth, who is a totally real, blunt business woman living in South Carolina now. My uncle cheated on Ruth multiple times, so she divorced him and she was immediately cut off and shit was talked about her (even while her son was playing 6 feet away at times)...he's been a fuck up all through school ever since then...I wonder why? Then my uncle re-married some superficial, annoying broad that everyone thought was great. My other uncle cheated on his wife, too, she divorced him and my dad's sisters took her out to lunch and talked shit about him this time. Then with my parents' divorce they cut my mom, and ultimately, us off in the process. It just pisses me off. It's obvious that they really just didn't like my mom...but they don't realize how much better she has been for us than he ever was in the 18 years I lived with him. They LOVE my dad's fiance, though...she's just as stupid and superficial as they are. "This is so good for you guys..." I heard them saying at this stupid "meet the family" party my dad's fiance had at their house and pressured us into going to...
I really think I'm going to say something at the wedding if any of my aunts make any kind of comments that piss me off like that. I'm going to be miserable the whole time, and I'll probably end up getting HAMMERED, so I really hope they don't make any of those superficial comments to me...what I really think will probably come out. That kind of thing doesn't have to happen, but I really don't give a shit about any of them but my cousins, but none of them will be there and I don't see them anymore, anyway.
But yeah, back to this morning....my point is that this conversation was sprung upon me like an hour after I got up and pretty random of her to bring up in the first place. I ended up yelling and walking away. I understand just about everything with their situation...we've talked about it with my mom in detail a bunch of times together. I wouldn't say I'm totally at peace with it all (obviously), but at the same time, I'm just so tired of hearing the same thing. I love my mom so much, but she likes to start up serious conversations when no one is in the mood to talk about it. My sister took her side when I got mad about it, but I think she's even more pissed at my dad than I am for some reason, so she enjoys any chance she can get to talk shit about him. I just don't really give a fuck most of the time. I'd been up for an hour...I don't want to talk about how fucked up I am and how we all need therapy. I just woke up, I don't want to think. We've talked about it before...we've talked in detail about how my dad treated all of us psychologically and why all of us are the way we are today. I've sat and cried about it with her, and I hardly ever cry anymore, especially in front of anyone. Once I can either get a job where I make enough money to afford it or get some insurance coverage, I do plan on going to therapy to see if I can feel better than this...until then all I can do is try to make the best of things on my own.
And yeah, I'm a mess...
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| Well I wonder which song
they're gonna play when we go.
I hope it's something quiet and minor and peaceful and slow.
And when we float out into the ether,
into the Everlasting Arms
I hope we don't hear Marley's chains we forged in our life.
'Cause these chains I been feeling now for most of my life...
Did you hear the '59 Sound coming through on Grandmama's radio?
Did you hear the rattling chains in the hospital walls?
Did you hear the old gospel choir when they came to carry you over?
Did you hear your favorite song one last time?
And I wonder were you scared
as the metal hit the glass?
See, I was playing a show down the road when your spirit left your body.
And they told me on the front lawn.
I'm sorry I couldn't go,
but I still know the song and the words and her name and the reasons.
And I know 'cause we were kids and we used to hang...
Did you hear the '59 Sound coming through on Grandmama's radio?
Did you hear the rattling chains in the hospital walls?
Did you hear the old gospel choir when they came to carry you over?
Did you hear your favorite song one last time?
Young boys...young girls...ain't supposed to die on a Saturday night.
I've had this song stuck in my head for days now. I don't know why, but their songs just really resonate in me. They're all so sad, but they make me feel better...probably because a lot of them are about or at least involve friends of his that have died in the last few years. They're awesome tributes and make me think of people I've lost. It's the perfect driving album, too, because so many of the songs involve driving around with his friends. Best punk rock album of 2007. I can't wait to get the new album in August and see them play again next time they're in California.
I went downtown to Cellar Door to see a band play tonight. I thought there would be a bunch of shitty opening bands so I left at like 11:30...showed up and it was over. I'm glad I went, though. I ran into an old friend of mine and she told me that my old youth pastor Jim is in the hospital right now with some kind of heart problem. She said he'd had open-heart surgery. I'm kind of nervous because I haven't seen him in a year or so, but we were really close in high school, and Jenn and I have been talking about going to see him together for a while now, so we're going to the hospital tomorrow. I really hope he's alright. He's probably the most respectable, loving man I've ever met and a big part of why I am who I am.
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| I've been up for about 24 hours, off and on. I'm starting to feel pretty exhausted, but earlier I told myself I was going to get some things that I've been putting off for months done today before I (inevitably) nap.
Something I realized this morning is that I do most of my most intense self-analysis when I'm drunk and/or just up until ridiculous hours. I don't know why, but it seems to be true. One, the other, or both have happened a lot this week, and I've been having good...conversations(?) with myself that lead to even more things to think about. The last half hour or so I've been in that state. The problem is everything I think about is so unorganized and I have a hard time making sense of everything I think about, probably because I'm always so tired when I start thinking about things I want to remember. I should have wrote on here a few days ago but I ended up losing it before I could get it down.
All I know is I'm really depressed and unsatisfied with my life right now. I was pondering it, and now I'm somewhat content, but there's still a lot I need to ask myself and think about. I'm just in a semi-constant state of confusion a lot of the time these days. Here's what I can remember from what I was thinking about earlier...
I have an incredibly low self-opinion of myself, and I always have. It's a fault of mine, and it's one that I both hate and don't mind, either, because at times (for whatever reason) it manifests itself in me encouraging the people around me.
For example, at the moment I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I'm very apathetic about school, and I could have graduated over a year ago if I had taken and passed a math class, but I never even took the math placement test. I've just been taking a class or two at a time the last 3 semesters instead of getting it over with. I have a total lack of motivation anymore, even for things I love. I haven't played my drums in...god knows how long, simply because I don't have a band and I'm not creative and don't know what to play...nor do I have anyone with whom to play music.
However, I have one friend that I consider myself to be close to, or as close as I've been with anyone since my friends early in high school, and I remember a conversation when we were talking about our lives, and I always encourage this person to go back to school. In one conversation he said something along the lines of, "I've pretty much been preparing myself for a tough, lonely life." I still tell him he can change that, and even suggested we take a class together (one I've already taken) if it would make him more comfortable about going back. I'm very encouraging and positive when it comes to things like that, but I've found myself thinking the same sort of thing about my life.
There's other instances of positivity toward other people I was recalling this morning, too. My little sister had a friend in high school that was pretty fucked up...her homelife was awful and she was really just headed in the same direction as her mother, who she loved, but knew wasn't the best role model. She'd come over to the house and talk to me late at night about things. She struggled with a lot of complicated, somewhat inherited problems as far as her relationships went. I'd always tell her that she controls what she becomes, and that she didn't have to be like her mom. Since then my sister has pretty much parted ways with her because my sister (who I think felt like it was her responsibility to keep her friend from fucking up) couldn't handle the pain and worry that her friend threw upon her, but when she was staying at our house frequently she'd hug me and thank me for listening before we went to bed every night.
I guess what I'm wondering about myself is why I can be so concerned about other people and yet treat myself and my own life so badly? Like I said, this is only a fraction of what I was thinking about earlier...and I'm pretty sure I've talked about it briefly before, but it was on my mind.
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| So it's not that I don't value human life...I'm a very empathetic and sensitive person despite the front I put on...but I don't need to explain that to those of you that actually know me. However, and this is going to sound horrible, but I'm being honest with you people who still read Xanga...AND...
I've found that it usually doesn't make me the least bit sad when I hear about politicians dying. I've read about a few in the last year or so. I have somewhat of a mixed feeling, I guess. Part of me feels bad. I mean, someone died...that's always tragic. When it's a politician, though, especially an OLD politician, I actually just get a sense of relief. I mean, don't get me wrong, the world would probably be a little better without me, too, but a lot of politicians make the world shittier on a pretty large scale and influence a bunch of other people to be shitty or even shittier. The old, stubborn ones are the worst. I think a big part of the reason the country doesn't grow as fast as it should is because Congress is full of a bunch of old fuckers that are still living in the '40s and shouldn't be making decisions that effect people 40-50 years younger than them. When asshole politicians that are older than my senile grandparents (yet still in Congress) die, I don't feel bad...in fact, I get a (most likely false) sense of hope.
And yeah, like I said, that sounds terrible, but read this article I just read about this asshole Senator that just died...maybe you'll understand.
I hate that I'm writing about politics so much lately, but whatever, it's never bothered me as much as it has been recently.....and eh, no one's reading this anyway.
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